I can’t remember exactly when I lost my voice, probably in my early childhood, perhaps age 5 or so. And, yes, I mean metaphorically.
I have an early memory of being outdoors – at some sort of summer party – and my mother scolding me for something I said. “You shouldn’t say things like that.” I don’t know if this is a true memory – I see it as an observer of both my mother and myself. In a way, it’s an accurate one.
As I grew, my learning expanded to other areas: the importance of being a “people pleaser,” how to be invisible in groups, and how to do well in school. Getting good grades gave me additional value in my family system. (I am not meaning to assign blame as I truly have gotten past that and into the area of forgiveness.)
There may have been a few times that I did speak out in the years between then and now. (I’m currently in my 50s.) I think they were quite rare. Because of my childhood “lessons,” it was almost always a beyond-scary proposition.
I have been concerned (read: terrified) of what others will think of me. Will they hate or abandon me because I don’t agree with them? I have also been concerned with making mistakes that I’d have a hard time correcting or sometimes even apologizing for. This is a weird one because I do often apologize – probably more than I need to, and yet there are other times I find it nearly impossible to do so. I have been concerned with making “stupid” statements. I have been concerned with not always appearing perfect down to my use of grammar, wording, spelling, or the Oxford comma 😉. I have been afraid of being “seen” – not being that invisible child anymore – because it is a huge unknown to me, be the outcome negative or positive.
And in these recent posts, I’ve delved into the area of expressing myself more and more, little by little. Before that, I had made some progress in not caring what others think. I did this by self-soothing and considering other perspectives. Then I realized that every time I entered a higher level mood state, I cared less than usual about others opinions. This was a nice thing to learn. With these blog posts, I’ve been walking around the edge of the lake, so to speak, and dipping my toes in here and there.
I still have far to go. I think my posts can be vague. There is more I feel I need to, or at least want to say. I think my viewpoint matters with respect to current events. Even if not, it’s important to be more open just for me and my personal growth.
It’s progress. And I want to go further with it. And I think that’s enough for today.
Thanks for “listening” and thanks for stopping by.